As of the past few days, I haven't really been all that. Summer break is here and I'm suppose to be happy about that but so many things have gone through my head recently. I'm not depressed at all but just upset at myself with the current state I have with people. I've gotten angry, fluked on people, never there for anyone, thinking about myself, and many other reasons. I don't know what's been going through my head but all these things I keep realizing, I wish I could do something about it. I've questioned my actions so many times and tried to fix them but they wind up being negative again.
Just two days ago, my youngest brother and I got into an argument. For some reason, we always end up in an argument about stupid things and he winds up not talking to me at all. If I try to come to him and say sorry, he'll brush me off until the time he's ready. With the argument we had two days ago, we haven't talked to each other since. I got mad at him for telling me to go to the grocery store and buy him some sodas for a movie he wanted to do with his friends. The reason I got mad was because for the millionth time, I let my emotions go too early.When I picked him up from school, instead of sitting shotgun like he usually does, he sits in the back. As I look into the rearview, I can see a depressed or sad face. Whenever he asks me for something, I tend to get mad easily because he's always asks me to get him things. Even if it's the most simplest thing like getting water, I'll get pissed. That's how our arguments tend to start, usually by me. Everytime we argue, he always distances himself from me and that's when I really wish I could take things back.
What I realize when we argue is that how I always seem to get my emotions out in front. I always seem to be sarcastic or have an angry tone whenever he asks me something because he always asks me to do things for him, even if it's the simplest things he could do on his own. I realized that the only reason he always asks me to do things is because I'm his favorite brother. He has told me that so many times and even has told his friends that. Whenever I hear that, I realize that hopefully I can continue being that but there have been so many times where I have failed. I've taken that role of the favorite brother for granted many times. No doubt that I support what my youngest brother does and that I got love for him, but I wish that I could look at things a little more close in perspective and realize that there's no reason I should get mad at all when someone depends on you. That's what I realized I have failed with with my youngest brother. I take the favorite brother role for granted. Many of things I have said to him, I wish I can take back because my youngest brother is a good kid and I want the best for him. It's my fault sometimes that he get led into the wrong directions. I just wish that I could be a better brother.
I was reading alot of my old comments on myspace earlier and realized that I was close with alot of people. After I got done, I realized that I've dug myself a deep hole, meaning that the closest friends I've got, I've distanced myself away from them. I feel guilty about that. I started feeling really bad when I didn't attend Jr's birthday bonfire last Saturday. He's invited my to so many parties and gatherings that I think I fluked on all of them. Not just have I fluked on them, but I fluked on many others that I consider close friends and have yet, not been able to make up times to hang out. The more I think about fluking out, the more I feel guilty. Most of the time, the real reason why I don't go out as much is because of my youngest brother. Most of the time, I have to watch him or he has to at least be with me if I go to places. Ever since my lola passed away, it's been hard for me to get out and have a life of my own. She was the one that usually watched my youngest brother, but now that she is gone, the reins were given to me. I usually have no problem with watching my brother, but there are times when I blame him for my friends not closely associating with me that much. I blame him for the way I have distanced myself from everyone.
Now, I realized that I'm wrong for doing that. It's not his fault at all for the reason being alot of people think I've distanced myself from them, the main fault is me. Ever since that break I took in the beginning of last year, I've gained more interest from shielding myself from the public. I got so use to staying away from people and doing my thing that I didn't really have problems not attending gatherings or parties I was invited to. But at the same time, the way I hid away from people was an act of selfishness. I realized I cared about me and didn't think about others. I realized that I'm not a true friend. I've failed at my role of being a true friend to the many I consider close to me. I've taken alot of heat to as if why I haven't been there for many people. Again, the main reason is that I have family obiligations now and it's not my family's fault and I will never blame anyone again but myself. I've distanced myself from my friends not because I don't like them anymore or any other negative reason, but for the fact that family comes first to me now. I took alot of things for granted when my lola was still alive and it hurts the hell out of me when I think about it. Ever since she left, things started to slowly come through my head and than I realized that I was putting friends ahead of my own family. But still to this day, I've still fluked on many invitations for gatherings and such. Personally, I believe I have failed as a friend. There's no other reason to why I have distance myself from everyone but me.
There are times when I just wish I had a twin or a clone because everyone relies on me. I've taken that role of being the person to rely on for granted so many times and have gotten mad at people who shouldn't even received that nonsense from me. I wish I had the chance to fulfill everyones' needs, but it seems I fail at that as well. I'm sorry for being the person I am today. I always thought I've done good but as time keeps going on, I realize I've been more negative than positive. As of right now, I'm gonna take a break again for a little bit and realize the way things should be. I'm sorry...
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
I Want/Need These
Pioneer Mixer = $500- over $1000 range
Mackie Subwoofer = $500-$900 range
Pioneer DJ Headphones = $60-$120 range
Crown Amplifier = $200-$500 range
Pioneer CD Deck = $600-over $1000
Tecnics Turntable Deck + 1 more = around over the $1000 range
I.E. Overall DJ Setup should look like this
Those are all the major necessities I need to become a DJ. I've been watching alot of DJ videos on youtube, learning techniques, listening to tutorials, finding websites with legit material for reasonable prices, etc. I've been feenin' more and more for the materials as the more I watch the set ups of many DJ's (No Homo). I really wanna have my own set up and start doing the business. It makes me wonder how the hell can all these people afford that much for DJ gear. That's not even including vinyl records which I'm pretty sure might be pricey as well. I'm going to have to be ballin' for real if I'm gonna accomplish in getting those. It's way far beyond my reach as of now. How am I gonna get the money? That's to be concluded...
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Ep Ep Ere Ere
One thing that upsets me about myself is how I don't have any talents or a type of hobby that would seem to take up some personal time. I got a brother who break dances, another brother that is beginning to be a expert movie maker, and another brother that works on stage plays. I got friends who produce music, sing, rap, collect memoribilla from their favorite things, and a bunch of other hobbies and talents. That's one thing I've been lacking throughout my life, is a hobby that I would love to do during time off or to relieve some stress and what not.
There has been one thing that I have been sighting my sights on that I hope to plan on being one day and have as an off the side gig. Being a DJ. Yes, I want to become a DJ. I've been thinking about that for the longest time now and I'm seriously considering being one. That's been one of the main interests I've been wanting to get into outside of being a nurse. My love for Hip Hop and R and B is influencing me more to become one one day.
Not many will think that DJing is a form of art, even though it has been for many years just like break dancing, rapping, and whatever else that expresses feeling. During past school dances and seeing club atmospheres on television, you should notice that the DJ controls the whole atmosphere of the place. They are the ones that set the tone, allowing people to just free themselves and enjoy the music that's gonna be playing. I've always wanted to be the one that would make people wild out and enjoy themselves by playing the hottest music and hopefully I can be that one day.
Of course right now, I lack the funds to support myself with the equipment. All the equipment ranging from dual turntables to a mixer to a cd player and speaker can range from $500 to over $1000 and that's not even including the vinyl records. I've been searching for websites that sell the equipment and so far I've found a couple good sites. I need to get some hook ups from other people that DJ and find out where they get their equipment at and maybe get some tips from them (No Homo).
My main focus right now is to get into nursing. Once I accomplish that goal and get that good cashflow, better believe that for the spare change I have, I will be investing in DJing. It's gonna be a side gig of mine to enjoy as a hobby and hopefully earn a side of extra cash. I'm really gonna take this DJ thing serious. When people use to tell me I should be a DJ, I would just laugh it off and I didn't really listen. Now it's something I really want to take part in and make myself become a professional DJ.
Once I get the funds, the months of training and understanding of DJing, ya better holla at ya boy if you want the hook ups. I'll be a DJ for whoever wants me to be there just as long as the cashflow is straight. Parties, weddings, family gatherings, or whatever, holla. One more thing, DJ E.Jay will not be present anymore. Let it be known that DJ Effexx aka Special Effexx aka SFX will be in the building. I'm serious with this. My goal and some investment will go into DJing. With God's help, let's hope I make it come through.
*In Homer Simpson's Voice*"Hmmmm...Sexy...Ahhhhhhhh" (No Homo)
One day I'll be carrying crates of these
There has been one thing that I have been sighting my sights on that I hope to plan on being one day and have as an off the side gig. Being a DJ. Yes, I want to become a DJ. I've been thinking about that for the longest time now and I'm seriously considering being one. That's been one of the main interests I've been wanting to get into outside of being a nurse. My love for Hip Hop and R and B is influencing me more to become one one day.
Not many will think that DJing is a form of art, even though it has been for many years just like break dancing, rapping, and whatever else that expresses feeling. During past school dances and seeing club atmospheres on television, you should notice that the DJ controls the whole atmosphere of the place. They are the ones that set the tone, allowing people to just free themselves and enjoy the music that's gonna be playing. I've always wanted to be the one that would make people wild out and enjoy themselves by playing the hottest music and hopefully I can be that one day.
Of course right now, I lack the funds to support myself with the equipment. All the equipment ranging from dual turntables to a mixer to a cd player and speaker can range from $500 to over $1000 and that's not even including the vinyl records. I've been searching for websites that sell the equipment and so far I've found a couple good sites. I need to get some hook ups from other people that DJ and find out where they get their equipment at and maybe get some tips from them (No Homo).
My main focus right now is to get into nursing. Once I accomplish that goal and get that good cashflow, better believe that for the spare change I have, I will be investing in DJing. It's gonna be a side gig of mine to enjoy as a hobby and hopefully earn a side of extra cash. I'm really gonna take this DJ thing serious. When people use to tell me I should be a DJ, I would just laugh it off and I didn't really listen. Now it's something I really want to take part in and make myself become a professional DJ.
Once I get the funds, the months of training and understanding of DJing, ya better holla at ya boy if you want the hook ups. I'll be a DJ for whoever wants me to be there just as long as the cashflow is straight. Parties, weddings, family gatherings, or whatever, holla. One more thing, DJ E.Jay will not be present anymore. Let it be known that DJ Effexx aka Special Effexx aka SFX will be in the building. I'm serious with this. My goal and some investment will go into DJing. With God's help, let's hope I make it come through.
*In Homer Simpson's Voice*"Hmmmm...Sexy...Ahhhhhhhh" (No Homo)
One day I'll be carrying crates of these
Friday, May 25, 2007
Video Peek 2
I just found the video for this song today and it just surprised me. I wasn't even expecting a music video for this song since I heard it wasn't gonna be the official single. I don't even know if this will be the official music video, but who cares, they made a video. The song is from Kanye West, "Can't Tell Me Nothing." I've been having this song on my myspace page for almost a week and the first thing that stuck out was the sound of the track. Probably one of the more darker tracks I've heard from Kanye West and yea what I like most about this song is the beat. Kanye West did his thing with the lyrics and the subject, which he tryna tell people that they can't say ish to Kanye West no more. I didn't really feel the song at first but after listening to it so many times, it grew on me. The video isn't really that much though with him just hanging out in the desert and stuff, but the song makes up for it. I can't wait till he drops his next cd "Graduation" something during the fall. By the way, make sure to check out my myspace every week because I'll try my best to post up new songs for first time listeners.
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Week Of The Finals
Just looking back, I can't believe the year so far has gone this fast or maybe I can. It's already the mid to late May and we're almost reaching in on half a year in less than two weeks. I realized how fast the spring semester came by with a quickness. Alot of university and state folks already finished with their finals while us comminity folks are just about to get ready to gear up for our finals week.
In a way, you might think I have it easy for finals week with me just taking two classes during this spring. An english class and an anatomy class. With english, I have to revise my final essay and to make sure I can perfect it or at least get an A grade on it so I could end up with an A in the class. If I can pull that off, that will look good on my record and for the people that admit the students applying for the nursing program. Basically english 101 or freshman english is one of the major requirements I need to apply for the program. Hopefully I can pull out with an A in the class, not only for my record but also for knowing that I've done my best in that class. I pulled an A on my revision on my fourth essay which I did horrible on and now I'm hoping that I can pull an A on my final revision on my last essay. The final for that class, I'm not really worried about. The final will be in essay form and I believe it would be hard to get a low grade on an essay based test, especially if the topic deals with my class experience throughout the semester.
Try reading and memorizing 350 questions with their answers in less than a week. It might sound easy, but really though, that's alot of time I'm going to have to spend during the next several days on trying to nail those questions done. It's not hard but the amount that I have to know for the final can be really stressful and time consuming. One thing that I kinda don't like about our final in that class is that the teacher picks out a 100 random questions and they could be in any order so basically, I will be studying 350 questions to just answer 100 out of the group. I wish they gave us the 100 questions beforehand but that would just be a freebie final for us, which I wouldn't mind at all. I'm really hoping I can pull this final with at least an A so hopefully I can get at least a B for an overall class grade. I do not know if I'm still of capable of reaching A status for an overall grade since I haven't calculated my grade and me having a hard time learning during the first half of the semester, but I won't be able to tell until the grades come out. It would be sweet pulling off an A in the class since that would make my record very impressive but I doubt it. I struggled throughout most of the semester and the only time I gained points was near the end. I'll just have to wait on that.
To everyone that has their finals, hopefully you guys are already studying and getting your work together. Good luck with whatever business you guys gotta handle and once this week is over, summer vacation will be just around the corner.
In a way, you might think I have it easy for finals week with me just taking two classes during this spring. An english class and an anatomy class. With english, I have to revise my final essay and to make sure I can perfect it or at least get an A grade on it so I could end up with an A in the class. If I can pull that off, that will look good on my record and for the people that admit the students applying for the nursing program. Basically english 101 or freshman english is one of the major requirements I need to apply for the program. Hopefully I can pull out with an A in the class, not only for my record but also for knowing that I've done my best in that class. I pulled an A on my revision on my fourth essay which I did horrible on and now I'm hoping that I can pull an A on my final revision on my last essay. The final for that class, I'm not really worried about. The final will be in essay form and I believe it would be hard to get a low grade on an essay based test, especially if the topic deals with my class experience throughout the semester.
Try reading and memorizing 350 questions with their answers in less than a week. It might sound easy, but really though, that's alot of time I'm going to have to spend during the next several days on trying to nail those questions done. It's not hard but the amount that I have to know for the final can be really stressful and time consuming. One thing that I kinda don't like about our final in that class is that the teacher picks out a 100 random questions and they could be in any order so basically, I will be studying 350 questions to just answer 100 out of the group. I wish they gave us the 100 questions beforehand but that would just be a freebie final for us, which I wouldn't mind at all. I'm really hoping I can pull this final with at least an A so hopefully I can get at least a B for an overall class grade. I do not know if I'm still of capable of reaching A status for an overall grade since I haven't calculated my grade and me having a hard time learning during the first half of the semester, but I won't be able to tell until the grades come out. It would be sweet pulling off an A in the class since that would make my record very impressive but I doubt it. I struggled throughout most of the semester and the only time I gained points was near the end. I'll just have to wait on that.
To everyone that has their finals, hopefully you guys are already studying and getting your work together. Good luck with whatever business you guys gotta handle and once this week is over, summer vacation will be just around the corner.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Word To Mother
Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there!!!
Happy Mother's Day to my mom especially. Without her, I would be nothing in this world. She was the one that gave me my place her on earth and I've been blessed to have one of the nicest, loving, caring moms out there. She has supported me throughout the choices I have made, has watched my back when I needed help, and she is one of the main reason why I am the person I am today. Just wanted to say I love you mom and thank you for all the great things you've have done for me.
2Pac- Dear Mama
Boyz II Men- A Song For Mama
Happy Mother's Day to my mom especially. Without her, I would be nothing in this world. She was the one that gave me my place her on earth and I've been blessed to have one of the nicest, loving, caring moms out there. She has supported me throughout the choices I have made, has watched my back when I needed help, and she is one of the main reason why I am the person I am today. Just wanted to say I love you mom and thank you for all the great things you've have done for me.
2Pac- Dear Mama
Boyz II Men- A Song For Mama
Thursday, May 10, 2007
The Sniffles
Damn, what a week it has been so far. I've gone through alot just these past three days and it ain't even done yet. I've had to tackle a horrible cold that I just randomly caught Monday night, two ten pages in one day, graphing studying for anatomy, and prolly the biggest thing I have to do, lab practical studying.
It's funny because the whole day on Monday, I was feeling all healthy and I had no cold. I woke the next morning to get ready for school, I find out I have a sore throat and I start spitting out flem. Then I'm thinking to myself, how the hell do I get a cold in this kind of weather? Especially since the last time I was sick in any way over a year ago. I've been having throbbing headaches that's been giving me a hard time tryna focus in on my work, my eyes have been sore, and of course, the runny nose that never stops. What a pefect time to get sick also. Prolly the hardest week out of three weeks of school left, I had to get sick this week. So much on the plate, but so little time and so little effort I have.
Prolly the one thing I hate about writing my essays for english class is that I always do my final draft the night before it's due. And I always end up staying up doing my essay until the sun rises. Just like last night, I pulled an all-nighter, tryna work on two essays, one a revision and another a first final draft. The previous essays, I pulled all-nighters also, staying up until the sun rised. But with the last two essays I did last night, I tried my best to edit my revision one but with the other final draft, I decided to wing it. In our class, we get three revisions to any three papers and I basically saved my three revisions for the final three essays because I knew they would be the hardest. With me being all drowsy and sick all night, I prolly wrote one of my worst essays ever for the last essay. I don't even know if I stayed on track with the guidelines and that if my evidence and sources were good enough. At least I got a revision left so yea, I wouldn't be surprised if I get an F on that essay when we get it back next week.
With anatomy, there's so much stuff that due on so little time. I have a graphing test tomorrow that's worth 20 points and I still haven't studied for it. Trust me, 20 points may sound like nothing, but in this class, you need all the points possible. It's gonna take at least 2 hours to get everything down in my head and hopefully I can pull it off just in time for tomorrow. Finally, my lab practical is this Saturday. Prolly the biggest test I am going to be taking this whole semester. 150 points total for a three part test and I've only had studied about half of the required material. I'm prolly gonna have a jam session tomorrow at class and after school and yea I just can't wait for this week to come to an end. Plus, with me being sick and all, I wonder how I'm going to have time energy and attention to study everything and be ready for my exams. I guess I'll just have to wait until the time comes and see how I do.
It's funny because the whole day on Monday, I was feeling all healthy and I had no cold. I woke the next morning to get ready for school, I find out I have a sore throat and I start spitting out flem. Then I'm thinking to myself, how the hell do I get a cold in this kind of weather? Especially since the last time I was sick in any way over a year ago. I've been having throbbing headaches that's been giving me a hard time tryna focus in on my work, my eyes have been sore, and of course, the runny nose that never stops. What a pefect time to get sick also. Prolly the hardest week out of three weeks of school left, I had to get sick this week. So much on the plate, but so little time and so little effort I have.
Prolly the one thing I hate about writing my essays for english class is that I always do my final draft the night before it's due. And I always end up staying up doing my essay until the sun rises. Just like last night, I pulled an all-nighter, tryna work on two essays, one a revision and another a first final draft. The previous essays, I pulled all-nighters also, staying up until the sun rised. But with the last two essays I did last night, I tried my best to edit my revision one but with the other final draft, I decided to wing it. In our class, we get three revisions to any three papers and I basically saved my three revisions for the final three essays because I knew they would be the hardest. With me being all drowsy and sick all night, I prolly wrote one of my worst essays ever for the last essay. I don't even know if I stayed on track with the guidelines and that if my evidence and sources were good enough. At least I got a revision left so yea, I wouldn't be surprised if I get an F on that essay when we get it back next week.
With anatomy, there's so much stuff that due on so little time. I have a graphing test tomorrow that's worth 20 points and I still haven't studied for it. Trust me, 20 points may sound like nothing, but in this class, you need all the points possible. It's gonna take at least 2 hours to get everything down in my head and hopefully I can pull it off just in time for tomorrow. Finally, my lab practical is this Saturday. Prolly the biggest test I am going to be taking this whole semester. 150 points total for a three part test and I've only had studied about half of the required material. I'm prolly gonna have a jam session tomorrow at class and after school and yea I just can't wait for this week to come to an end. Plus, with me being sick and all, I wonder how I'm going to have time energy and attention to study everything and be ready for my exams. I guess I'll just have to wait until the time comes and see how I do.
Sunday, May 6, 2007
Debut Debut
Last night was a night that I haven't had in a long time. Just hanging out, catching up with folks, wild n' out, and other good stuff. For those that didn't know, Enrilo's sister Meryl had her debut last night and it was pretty chill. It was the very first debut I was invited to and attended. Everything was all fun and laughs at the place and I had fun no doubt.
With the lacking of my special guest apperances the past couple of years to the many people I wanted to pay a visit to, last night was my chance to see whuddup to the people that I hadn't seen in a while. Big shout out to the TS crew no doubt. Jr, Yul, my bro, Matt, and Hov for letting me catch up with them and acting a fool. It's funny cause I noticed the only time I'll really try to wild out is if all of us is complete. I basically caught up with Hov and Micha as a couple for the first time ever. It didn't really bother me at all that they are going out just as long as they are happy. Good times at our table with Nick and my bro with the passing the spoon game lol. Nick was actually throwing the utensils at Hov and Micha which eventually got them out. Me, Yul, Matt, and Hov were just messing around the table, cracking jokes, striking conversations, and other things.
There were alumni and current scpa students that I hadn't seen in a long time. Basically alot of the younger folks that I know me were surprised to see me there. I got alot of "I haven't seen you in a long time," or "I'm surprised to see you," and other sayings also. Last time I really seen most of the younger folks was when I was still a senior in high school so that's been a long time coming. There were a few people that didn't make it who I wish could of went because I haven't seen them also in awhile. It was fun catching up with the folks again and seeing what's good.
Even if I had a fun night, I kinda had these small thoughts that I was thinking about during the times when I was alone in the party. I noticed that alot of folks I hadn't seen in awhile all had their special someone with them. When everyone at my table left to watch the home movie, I was left alone with my brother at the table. Right there, I just thought to myself that damn, alot of people there had a boo while I'm still on the free agent market. Not to say that I've been depressed about it but that got me thinking that I can't wait to have that special girl one day, hopefully soon. I noticed that the couples would be doing all the lovey dovey stuff and in a way, it kind of made me sad a little bit just because I've been wondering, when will it be my turn. I don't have to a get girl right away but just as long as I don't have to wait forever. Not to take away from the debut shine, I'll talk more about the girl situation later on maybe.
I don't really have nothing left to say so I'll just post up some pics for your viewing pleasure. I wish I could of took more but oh well, maybe next time.
Back For The First Time
Me and the seester
The Coming of Age
No Homo
Fighting Stance
With the lacking of my special guest apperances the past couple of years to the many people I wanted to pay a visit to, last night was my chance to see whuddup to the people that I hadn't seen in a while. Big shout out to the TS crew no doubt. Jr, Yul, my bro, Matt, and Hov for letting me catch up with them and acting a fool. It's funny cause I noticed the only time I'll really try to wild out is if all of us is complete. I basically caught up with Hov and Micha as a couple for the first time ever. It didn't really bother me at all that they are going out just as long as they are happy. Good times at our table with Nick and my bro with the passing the spoon game lol. Nick was actually throwing the utensils at Hov and Micha which eventually got them out. Me, Yul, Matt, and Hov were just messing around the table, cracking jokes, striking conversations, and other things.
There were alumni and current scpa students that I hadn't seen in a long time. Basically alot of the younger folks that I know me were surprised to see me there. I got alot of "I haven't seen you in a long time," or "I'm surprised to see you," and other sayings also. Last time I really seen most of the younger folks was when I was still a senior in high school so that's been a long time coming. There were a few people that didn't make it who I wish could of went because I haven't seen them also in awhile. It was fun catching up with the folks again and seeing what's good.
Even if I had a fun night, I kinda had these small thoughts that I was thinking about during the times when I was alone in the party. I noticed that alot of folks I hadn't seen in awhile all had their special someone with them. When everyone at my table left to watch the home movie, I was left alone with my brother at the table. Right there, I just thought to myself that damn, alot of people there had a boo while I'm still on the free agent market. Not to say that I've been depressed about it but that got me thinking that I can't wait to have that special girl one day, hopefully soon. I noticed that the couples would be doing all the lovey dovey stuff and in a way, it kind of made me sad a little bit just because I've been wondering, when will it be my turn. I don't have to a get girl right away but just as long as I don't have to wait forever. Not to take away from the debut shine, I'll talk more about the girl situation later on maybe.
I don't really have nothing left to say so I'll just post up some pics for your viewing pleasure. I wish I could of took more but oh well, maybe next time.
Back For The First Time
Me and the seester
The Coming of Age
No Homo
Fighting Stance
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