When Realization Hits

As of the past few days, I haven't really been all that. Summer break is here and I'm suppose to be happy about that but so many things have gone through my head recently. I'm not depressed at all but just upset at myself with the current state I have with people. I've gotten angry, fluked on people, never there for anyone, thinking about myself, and many other reasons. I don't know what's been going through my head but all these things I keep realizing, I wish I could do something about it. I've questioned my actions so many times and tried to fix them but they wind up being negative again.

Just two days ago, my youngest brother and I got into an argument. For some reason, we always end up in an argument about stupid things and he winds up not talking to me at all. If I try to come to him and say sorry, he'll brush me off until the time he's ready. With the argument we had two days ago, we haven't talked to each other since. I got mad at him for telling me to go to the grocery store and buy him some sodas for a movie he wanted to do with his friends. The reason I got mad was because for the millionth time, I let my emotions go too early.When I picked him up from school, instead of sitting shotgun like he usually does, he sits in the back. As I look into the rearview, I can see a depressed or sad face. Whenever he asks me for something, I tend to get mad easily because he's always asks me to get him things. Even if it's the most simplest thing like getting water, I'll get pissed. That's how our arguments tend to start, usually by me. Everytime we argue, he always distances himself from me and that's when I really wish I could take things back.

What I realize when we argue is that how I always seem to get my emotions out in front. I always seem to be sarcastic or have an angry tone whenever he asks me something because he always asks me to do things for him, even if it's the simplest things he could do on his own. I realized that the only reason he always asks me to do things is because I'm his favorite brother. He has told me that so many times and even has told his friends that. Whenever I hear that, I realize that hopefully I can continue being that but there have been so many times where I have failed. I've taken that role of the favorite brother for granted many times. No doubt that I support what my youngest brother does and that I got love for him, but I wish that I could look at things a little more close in perspective and realize that there's no reason I should get mad at all when someone depends on you. That's what I realized I have failed with with my youngest brother. I take the favorite brother role for granted. Many of things I have said to him, I wish I can take back because my youngest brother is a good kid and I want the best for him. It's my fault sometimes that he get led into the wrong directions. I just wish that I could be a better brother.

I was reading alot of my old comments on myspace earlier and realized that I was close with alot of people. After I got done, I realized that I've dug myself a deep hole, meaning that the closest friends I've got, I've distanced myself away from them. I feel guilty about that. I started feeling really bad when I didn't attend Jr's birthday bonfire last Saturday. He's invited my to so many parties and gatherings that I think I fluked on all of them. Not just have I fluked on them, but I fluked on many others that I consider close friends and have yet, not been able to make up times to hang out. The more I think about fluking out, the more I feel guilty. Most of the time, the real reason why I don't go out as much is because of my youngest brother. Most of the time, I have to watch him or he has to at least be with me if I go to places. Ever since my lola passed away, it's been hard for me to get out and have a life of my own. She was the one that usually watched my youngest brother, but now that she is gone, the reins were given to me. I usually have no problem with watching my brother, but there are times when I blame him for my friends not closely associating with me that much. I blame him for the way I have distanced myself from everyone.

Now, I realized that I'm wrong for doing that. It's not his fault at all for the reason being alot of people think I've distanced myself from them, the main fault is me. Ever since that break I took in the beginning of last year, I've gained more interest from shielding myself from the public. I got so use to staying away from people and doing my thing that I didn't really have problems not attending gatherings or parties I was invited to. But at the same time, the way I hid away from people was an act of selfishness. I realized I cared about me and didn't think about others. I realized that I'm not a true friend. I've failed at my role of being a true friend to the many I consider close to me. I've taken alot of heat to as if why I haven't been there for many people. Again, the main reason is that I have family obiligations now and it's not my family's fault and I will never blame anyone again but myself. I've distanced myself from my friends not because I don't like them anymore or any other negative reason, but for the fact that family comes first to me now. I took alot of things for granted when my lola was still alive and it hurts the hell out of me when I think about it. Ever since she left, things started to slowly come through my head and than I realized that I was putting friends ahead of my own family. But still to this day, I've still fluked on many invitations for gatherings and such. Personally, I believe I have failed as a friend. There's no other reason to why I have distance myself from everyone but me.

There are times when I just wish I had a twin or a clone because everyone relies on me. I've taken that role of being the person to rely on for granted so many times and have gotten mad at people who shouldn't even received that nonsense from me. I wish I had the chance to fulfill everyones' needs, but it seems I fail at that as well. I'm sorry for being the person I am today. I always thought I've done good but as time keeps going on, I realize I've been more negative than positive. As of right now, I'm gonna take a break again for a little bit and realize the way things should be. I'm sorry...